I knew I was in for an earful when I saw my son’s face. I was waiting in the pickup line at his school and I could see the scowl on this face, even with his mask on.
He wasn’t happy.
What injustice had occurred in the third grade that day?
His friend called him “out” while playing kickball at recess.
Before he even had his seatbelt buckled he’d disavowed his friendship, committed to hating kickball for life, blamed a nearby adult for not intervening, and insisted that it was a bad call and he was safe.
Silly kids. Don’t they realize that once we become adults we have resilience and they’ll stop all this nonsense and never allow little slights to knock them off course?
Oh wait…that’s not what actually happens.
Resilience is almost a buzzword these days, the way “mindfulness” seemed to be in vogue in 2019 (don’t get me wrong, it’s still important).
Call it what you want, mental toughness or whatever, resilience is simply the capacity to respond and adapt quickly to the difficulties in life.
Notice that I said it’s the capacity to respond and adapt to difficulties. I didn’t say recover from difficulties.
Most of the popular literature on resilience suggests a definition that we recover from our difficulties. I think this is wrong – and a missed opportunity to build true resilience.. When we re-cover, we re-turn to our past state. We re-bury our challenges, setbacks, and adversity and try to move on as nothing has happened.
But something did happen. Often something significant. Something life changing.
And if we rebury these events – if we recover them – we stuff it down and try to go on as if nothing has happened.
That’s where trauma comes from.
A far more productive perspective emphasizes integrating the experience into our lives.
That’s where resilience comes from.
Like everyone, I have had my own struggles with building resilience. Honestly though, I think I’ve had more problems with maintaining resilience. Resilience is a perishable skill.
It’s perishable because, like arrest and control tactics, it takes practice and attention. When our attention moves away from our practice of resilience, it becomes less accessible to us.
There’s a lot of advice out there about how to build resilience. Frankly, a lot of it is bullshit.
“Be more optimistic,” said one site.
“Embrace change,” said another.
Neither had any clarification on how to do any of that. For example, we can’t embrace change until we learn to deal with the natural fear that arises with change. That’s a topic for another time.
What I wanted to share today was six ways that I have learned to boost my own resilience. They’ve worked for me. This list doesn’t include everything – far from it. But, it’s a good place to start to freshen up your skills if you’re feeling overwhelmed and a little knocked around by life – even if it doesn’t involve playground kickball.
Remember All The Reasons You Wanted To Be A Cop. Those Reasons Are Still There. They’re Just Buried Deep.
When we come on the job, we get two salaries. We get a financial salary – the one that goes into your bank account; and a psychological salary – the one that goes into your spirit (or whatever you choose to call it). Often, the psychological salary is far more enriching than the financial one. Most cops don’t make a lot of money so there must be another reason you’re here. Remember why you came on the job, who that person wanted to be. Spend some time thinking about the ways that work is still accessible to you. Your service still matters to so many. Connect with that and honor it.
Find New Social Relationships.
COVID has made many social interactions taboo recently and it’s also given us an excuse to turn inward and become less social. If you already have that tendency (most cops do), then you went into the pandemic already isolated and chances are, it’s only gotten worse. There are tons of studies that show a connection between a person’s attitude and behaviors and the people they surround themselves with (look no further than the famous Stanford Prison Experiment). It’s trite but true, you are the average of the five people you surround yourself with. If you’re struggling and not improving, it probably requires a rethinking of the people in your social circle.
Movement Equals Momentum
We can create change simply by moving. This is perhaps the most important tip I can give you. Create a bias towards action and just do something – anything – to change your environment in some way. On some days that might just be getting off the couch and standing outside for a few breaths but move your body. Often, it comes up in that voice that suggests that we don’t need to workout today. But do it anyway and you’ll create momentum that makes it easier to sustain your positive practices.
Instead of Big Goals, Focus on Executing Your Next Decision with Precision.
Ever since I learned about “The Process” I have eschewed the idea of chasing big goals. That doesn’t mean you don’t have a big goal, or an idea of where you want to go but instead of focusing on the big goal, you emphasize the process of getting there. You focus on the next right action you have to take and it’s probably something pretty small. The point of The Process is to become hyper-aware of each step in our journey and that we commit to each step with intention and purpose. Nick Saban at the University of Alabama is the most famous proponent of The Process. He teaches his players not to focus on winning the national championship, but instead, focus on the next snap, the next route – sometimes even just where their next foot will land on the field. When we make each action intentional, we bring awareness to all the ways our minds want us to stray, and all the ways that we find to occupy ourselves with negative thoughts. Intentional action creates resilience.
Understand You Can’t Bounce Back. You Can Only Bounce Forward.
In the academy, I sucked at pushups (16 years later, I still do). To this day, when someone shouts “Drop!” I shudder a little on the inside. This usually involved several minutes of being screamed at for our inadequacies as we tried to maintain front-leaning rest (that word rest is just a lie). When our punishment was complete, the instructors would shout, “RECOVER!” as the command to return to attention. I longed to hear that word. But what happened over the course of the academy was no surprise either. I got better at pushups. Everytime I stood up, I came out of the experience a little stronger, a little more adapted to the demands. Our lives are like that as well. When you experience adversity, don’t seek to return to the way you were before the adversity. If that’s the goal, then there is no benefit to having survived the adversity. Rather, seek to integrate the lessons learned and the skills you developed. When you’re mindful of the changes made in you through your trials, you bring more weapons in your arsenal to the next fight..and there’s always another fight ahead.
Don’t Use The Language Of A Victim.
Adversity will often provoke in us a natural tendency to ask the question, “why me?” We seek someone to blame, or attribute our situation to some force outside of our control that has gripped us and tossed us into the throws of chaos without so much as a sideways glance. We justify our lack of inaction, or our tendency to find excuses for why we haven’t resolved the challenges and moved on. We often go to great lengths creating conspiracies of intrigue and office politics to justify a few more days (or weeks or months) of wallowing in self-pity. If we’re not careful, we begin to use language that allows us to identify ourselves as victims. Once we identify as the victim, we spend considerable effort trying to convince everyone around us to believe it too! We complain up, down and sideways to anyone who’ll listen about how our lives would be different “if only…” You are not a victim. You’re an active participant and how you respond to adversity is entirely within your control. That doesn’t mean it will be easy. Of course it’s going to be tough, probably uncomfortable, and more than likely a big ego check. Instead of considering yourself the victim, consider yourself the student. You’re the student of your adversity. Study it, evaluate it, consider it, and most importantly, let it teach you something. Then, you become the master of it.
Building resilience is a perishable skill. Return to your resilience regularly to maintain your edge. Be vigilant in the language and tone you use when you speak to yourself. Seek mentors and positive inputs and don’t get overwhelmed by the massive action it might take to move through your challenges. Pray that you don’t recover to the way things were. Instead, seek to respond to the way things are now.